Alone
by Hakkai's Lady
Summary: Oneshot Hakkai spends some thinking about the way his friends. (some 58 talk and VERY slight 38 hints...don't blink or you'll miss it)


Disclaimer- Don't own the boys—Sobs, sniffles—nor do I make money for this.

Alone

I stand in the shadows of the forest looking out at them. Goku and Gojyo are stretched out haplessly in the back of the jeep and Sanzo sits smoking in the front. Sometimes it feels better to have some space between us—some room to breathe. I slump beside the tree and set my monocle aside as I rub my eyes. After so long focusing on the road, a migraine has set in—of course the pair in the backseat will give anyone a headache. The dark and quiet are welcome, as are the feel of the cool grass and caress of the gentle wind. I can almost feel the tranquility I've been searching for. The vague sound of footsteps intrude on the moment. Probably just Gojyo. My lover is nothing if not attentive.

"Why don't you just get some sleep?" a harsh, deep voice asks instead of the slow, smooth drawl I was expecting.

I open my eyes and stare up at Sanzo with slightly skewed vision. "I just wanted to stretch out a bit."

He nods and tosses his cigarette to the ground crushing it beneath his sandal. "Listen, Hakkai, I understand if you don't want to follow this thing through the whole way."

I smile and replace my monocle. Ever since Chin Yisou played his mind games with me Sanzo thinks that I'll crack under the pressure. "I don't have any intentions of leaving."

"Fine," he says letting his gaze follow mine to the red haired figure in the jeep. He knows about us and I know he doesn't approve. I can't say I blame him though. With all of the taboos in my life, with all the things I have done, it's hard to believe that I was chosen for this mission. In the beginning, I was worried that he would voice his disgust. Incest and homosexuality aren't looked on very fondly, and even if Sanzo is an unusual priest—he is still a holy man. Demon. Killer. Sinner. Queer. Take your pick and you wouldn't be wrong with any of them. We are friends yes, but there is always a slight undertone. He respects me, but I feel that it is in spite of everything.

Sanzo's blonde hair shimmers in the moon light. It's easy to believe that he was once a god. I can picture him in heaven with a goddess—one just as beautiful as he is—by his side. In the early days, back when he took me to the temple to be judged, I had something of a crush on him. I admired him physically, yes but my heart was still aching for a woman who's name has become somewhat of a prayer to me. Kanan. And then there was Gojyo.

He lights another cigarette and strolls back to the jeep. There are rarely times when Sanzo feels the need to be formal about anything, especially ending a conversation.

I lean against the tree and try to shut my eyes. Morning always comes too soon. If things were different, Gojyo and I might have been able spend a few short hours together. Hours spent in bed if Gojyo has his way, or talking if I had mine. He's been more and more insistent these days. He understands my desire to keep our relationship from Goku, but his desire seems to matter more. I laugh to myself.

I remember the first time we crossed the line between friends and lovers. In all of my life, I have known that I was more attracted to men than women. My love for Kanan seemed to be the exception. She consumed all of me heart and soul as I did her. Had she never been taken from me, I would have loved only her. Yet when she was gone—I knew that I would never love another woman. I appreciated Gojyo physically from the moment I saw him, just like I did Sanzo, but it took a long time for my head to clear my thoughts of Kanan. Until me, Gojyo had never considered love with a man. I think he was as surprised as I was when he pressed his mouth over mine. I can still see the look of bewilderment on his face as he realized that I aroused him just as a woman would. I think he sleeps with women more now out of habit and of a desire to prove that I haven't made him completely gay than for real enjoyment.

Living together, we have come to be more than friends and more than lovers. There is a bond there that surpasses both. It's strong enough that I know he will return to me in the morning after he's through with his women. I know that he will never take another man to his bed; he promised me that the day we met. Nameless whores I can ignore, but I don't think I could abide by another man.

I watch Gojyo sleep from afar. The moon bathes him in light. He's not beautiful in the way that Sanzo is, but he has a sensuality and an intensity that radiates from him even in his slumber. His long red hair looks more auburn than crimson in the dark and the shadows falling across his angularly cut features give him the look of a predator. Goku is sleeping so soundly, that I doubt he would notice if we stole away in the forest. We could make love under the trees. I honestly can't say why I don't go wake him, but I feel more contented just sitting here alone. Sometimes alone is good.

Alone is the only way I feel like myself sometimes. I can let the exhaustion creep in at the corners and not worry that it shows. Everyone looks to me for something. Goku for fatherly compassion. Gojyo for friendship and love. Sanzo for a steady voice and a thread of reason. I don't mind any of it, but I do get tired. Kanan was the only person who ever granted me a sort of rejuvenation. She and I were one. We drew from each other, but now that she is gone, I have to find a way to rebuild myself. I can only do it alone.

I had just closed my eyes it seemed and the then the light of morning came. I stand and stretch out the kinks that had developed over night. No one else is awake yet and I relish that. I'll have breakfast ready before any one of them begin to stir. Then again, maybe not. Sanzo climbs out of the passenger seat and heads out my way.

"We're runny low on supplies," he says curtly.

I can't help but laugh. "Good morning to you too."  
"Yeah, yeah. Whatever. How far to the next town?" he asks wearing his usual look of annoyance.

"We should make it by nightfall. I just hope Goku can last that long."

"Stupid monkey. He'll make it or I'll kill him." He lights a cigarette. "We're not even half way there."

I nod. "But it seems like we've already gone so far. It feels like we've been on our way forever. It's strange, but part of me hopes that it never ends."

"Hmmpff…you would say that. What is it about you, Hakkai, that makes you want punishment?"  
I laugh even though I know he's half serious. "I don't know that I want punishment."

"Really? Then what do you call an eternity with this nut ward?"

"Admit it, Sanzo, you enjoy this every bit as much as I do," I say.

He lights cigarette number two. "Yeah, this is just heavenly." His blatant sarcasm is not enough to hide the twitching muscles at the corners of his mouth. "So did you get enough alone time, or should we just take off and leave you here for a few days?"

"I'm good to go."

Almost on cue, a hand lifts from the back of the jeep. "HUNGRY! Hey, Hakkai, how much longer till breakfast?"

"Stupid monkey, some of us were trying to get some sleep!"

"Yeah, only you, you pervy, water whimp!"

"You're gonna pay for that, chimp!"

I start to laugh and glance over at Sanzo to see the gun come out. As much as I need to be alone sometimes, I could never give this up.


End file.
